by Chris Dean


If you’ve been a patient for any length of time, chances are you’ve switched Doctors, fantasized about it, are currently considering it, or all of the above.
The thing about Doc hopping is, unless you have a Psychic with a mainline to the medical profession, it’s impossible to know if the new Doc will be any better a fit than the old one without an appointment, a nice three-month-wait, and a serious chunk of our hard earned change.
But what if we could hold New Doctor interviews? Wouldn’t it be a dream come true if we could take a more traditional approach and simply place a Want Ad? What if the Doctors could read over our list of requirements for them, before that first expensive, New Patient appointment…

Doctor. Must be up for a challenge, love puzzles, and comfortable when dealing with no-win scenarios.
A working knowledge of anatomy and a love of research is a must. Bedside manner is optional, as long as you don’t mind patient with equal lack of people skills.
An ability to work as part of a team and a willingness to frequently reevaluate your current course of treatment is non-negotiable.
If you like thinking outside the box and can work closely with someone you understand you CANNOT cure, only help them discover ways of slowing the progression of a chronic illness, assisting them in managing symptoms and finding ways to lead the most productive life they possibly can, then you’re the right person for the job!
All applicants should submit a video response explaining how you would deal with a weird, apparently unrelated set of symptoms. Also include how open you are to a patient who has all the time in the world to do their own research and usually shows up to each appointment with a set of pertinent questions and information they have found since last appointment.
Foul language and eye-rolling are perfectly acceptable responses, as are occasional deep sighs, as long as patient’s questions are taken seriously and given enough credence for further discussion of any topic that relates to patient’s illness.

Bonus Question: (Not required, but would help in determining suitability for position.) If you were given this position and arrived at a point in time where you felt you could no longer fulfill your duties as this patient’s Primary Care Physician and Coordinator for their Medical Team, how would you go about ending your professional relationship?

If you place an ad for the ideal Doctor, what would your list of requirements be?

WANTED appeared in its original form on pixie.c.d. and is reprinted here with permission.


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